ࡱ> |}~5@ +bjbj22 ǗXX&&&$J zzzb|~}TJ O)~~   bdddD<$($+RK.\(&D5DD(  + )NNND & bNDbN\NBk ^&V ~ pz .fT)0O).r.VJ J .&V$=>N{G((J J py2J J yBecoming a Friend in Jesus: Mentoring Women in the Church What is Mentoring? Optional Story: Information Please (See Appendix I) What is Mentoring? (OH-1) Mentoring is a relational experience in which one person empowers, encourages, teaches, and shares experiences and resources with another person. Mentoring seeks to establish relationships - short or long term - which will help maximize the personal and spiritual growth of the mentee. It is a relationship in which a mentor helps a protge reach her/his God-given potential. Most mentoring is informal. The relationship involves companionship, camaraderie, correction, and simple friendship. Mentors are helpers. They befriend, teach, and inspire us to reach our full potential. Mentoring happens generally on a one-on-one basis. In his book, Mentoring: A Practical Guide, Gordon Shea shares with us the origins of what has evolved into what we today call mentoring: The story of Mentor comes from a legendary tale called Homers Odyssey. When Odysseus, king of Ithaca, went to fight in the Trojan War, he entrusted the care of his household to Mentor, who served as teacher and overseer of Odysseuss son, Telemachus. After the war, Odysseus was condemned to wander vainly for ten years in his attempt to return home. In time, Telemachus, now grown, went in search of his father. Eventually, father and son were reunited and together they cast down would-be usurpers of Odysseuss throne and of Telemachuss birthright. In time the word Mentor became synonymous with trusted advisor, friend, teacher, and wise person. History offers many examples of helpful mentoring relationships; such as Socrates and Plato, Haydn and Beethoven, Freud and Jung. Definition of a Mentor (OH-2) Webster says that a mentor is a friend who is also a counselor, teacher, or instructor. The friendship and the education are equally important. One who facilitates personal and professional growth in an individual by sharing the knowledge and insights that have been learned through the years. High Tech and High Touch (OH-3) You have probably heard the phrases high tech and high touch. Todays society depends so much on e-mail (also known as letters), on-line organizers (also known as calendars), social activity planners, and beepers that take messages (also known as down-to-earth talking). With sophisticated technology comes the increased need for warm relationships to keep life balanced. Studies show that mentored teens are 46% less likely to start using drugs 75% more likely to upgrade their personal goals, and 52% less likely to miss a day of school than teens who do not have mentors Yet, 98% of our young people are not receiving the benefits of mentoring (Source: Marcia N. Smoller, The Long Island Mentoring Partnership.) Mentoring vs. Modeling (OH-4) We are not to confuse mentoring with modeling Mentoring: A mentor is aware of the mentees needs and wants to use their resources to help the mentee reach their God given potential. Modeling: A model is a person who represents a standard of excellence to be imitated. We dont necessarily have to have a personal relationship with that person. Jesus Our Prime Model Jesus is our Prime Model for mentoring. Jesus Christ chose 12 people from humble walks of life, and for three years He taught them everything He could. When He returned to heaven, He left the awesome challenge of sharing the plan of salvation in the hands of these diversified disciples. Jesus mentored in several ways: (OH-5) a) by example the way He lived (Matt 8:20) the way He conducted himself when confronted by religious leaders (Mark 7:1-23) the way He demonstrated compassion for the poor and the sick (Mark 1:41, Luke 7:13) humility and servant leadership (Matt 5:1; 18:4; Luke 14;11) prayer life (Matt 6:67; Mark 14:38) b) by instruction the disciples learned along with the crowd (Matt 5:7) He took them on retreats (Matt 10-11:1) c) by involvement He worked some of his miracles through his disciples (Matt 13:13-21) He instructed them, empowered them, and sent them out to put into practice what they had been taught and counseled. (Matt 10) He always gave specific and detailed instructions. d) by evaluation when the disciples did well Jesus rejoiced with them (Luke 10:1-24) when they made mistakes, He admonished them (Matt 17:14-21) when they misunderstood His goals, He corrected them (Matt 19:13-15) (Source: A Seminar on Mentoring by Robyn Claydon, Australia) Example is not the main thing in influencing others...it is the only thing (OH-6) Biblical text on mentoring women Titus 2:3 (OH-7) The older women, similarly, should be reverent in their demeanor, not scandalmongers or slaves to excessive drinking; they must set a high standard, and so teach the younger women to be loving wives and mothers, to be temperate, chaste, busy at home, and kind, respecting the authority of their husbands. Then the gospel will not be brought into disrepute Titus 2:3, Revised English Bible. What was Paul asking Titus to teach the women? Paul asked older women to help younger women to do the things women did then. What would he say if he were writing this now? How would you interpret that in todays language? We may think we would have to wait till we are old to do this, but no, some Bible versions say older not old. Donna Otto in her book Discover the Mentor in You said, Somewhere along the line every Christian woman wishes she had a sister to help her negotiate the twists and turns of life. Historical Perspectives of Mentoring In contrast to the past, the mentoring function today is in short supply. Mentoring in the home has been a vital and ongoing part of raising our children, especially on farms where a boy or a girl was mentored along side of mothers, fathers, and extended family members. They were taught what work was all about and how it was done, what character meant, and what the duties and obligations of each member of the community were. In the past, mentoring was the chief learning method in the society of artisans where an apprentice spent years at the side of the craftsman, learning not only the mechanics of a function, but the way of life which surrounded it. It is different today. In todays families, many times both parents work in order to support the family financially. Children go off to boarding schools. A number of children have parents who both work outside the home causing the child to be without adult supervision when they return home from school. Lynnetta Hamstra recalls being one of these kids. She says, It wasnt that our parents did not care to stay home with us, but financial constraints made it necessary. In homes where children part company with their parents for the better part of each day, we find that they spend an average of 8-11 minutes of parent-child conversation before the sun sets. In her book For All Our Daughters, Pegine Echevarria shares with us this information: Even a parent who enjoys a superb relationship with a teenage daughter will wonder, Am I doing enough? In most cases, unfortunately, the honest answer is ANO@. Not because theres any lack of good intentions on your part, but because you alone cant guide your daughter through the rough waters she is now navigating. No parent can. You can provide information. You can offer insight and perspective. But you cannot always do the job on your own. External support from a non-parental female role model is an essential and far too frequently ignored requirement for healthy development in girls and young women. Lets not forget that todays far-flung, media-saturated, divorce-damaged family structures have left more and more girls and young women adrift without such role models. Perhaps thats why so many of the terrifying statistics we read about self-confidence, academic performance, substance abuse, and sexual activity among young girls have gotten worse in recent years. Fifty years ago, marriages were more stable than they are today, and families had more long-term female role models to supplement the work that mothers did. Today, connections with caring adult women are harder to come by. Statistics on teenagers in the United States (OH-9) Studies indicate that 53.1% of all high school students have had sexual intercourse at some point 14.45% have had sex with four or more partners 25% of all first births in this country are to teen mothers between the ages of 15 & 19 The percentage of 8th graders reporting daily use of alcohol rose by nearly half between 1995-1996. 8th graders reporting having been drunk in the past month for the same period rose from 8.3% - 9.6%. A staggering 29% of adolescent girls reported having thoughts of suicide. From 1980-1992 the rate of suicide among young white females increased 233%. One study found disturbingly high incidence of violence, with 18% of girls in grades five through twelve reporting some form of physical or sexual abuse. Other problems include eating disorders, smoking, feelings that their moms are not interested in them and therefore they have no one to turn to when stressed, overwhelmed, or depressed. Nearly half of the girls interviewed did not name their mother as the person whom they would turn to for emotional support. (Sources for the various statistics cited: Child Trends, Inc. Study, 1994; Youth Risk Behavior survey, Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 1995; and National Institute on Drug Abuse reports; Carnegie Council on Adolescents report.) NOTE to the Seminar Presenter: Try to find statistics on these topics for your part of the world and use them here. Mission Statement excerpt (OH-10) (Read overhead definition) . . . mentor young Adventist women, encouraging their involvement, and creating paths for them as they reach for their potential in Christ. Part of our challenge in Womens Ministries is to mentor other women. Many of us have dreamed of having an older woman with whom we meet on a regular basis who will point out our gifts and provide advice, encouragement, and resources. Someone to give us wise counsel day or night, someone to whom we can speak our mind and tell our secrets, knowing they will be guarded carefully. Someone with whom to pray and dream. Sad to say, this idealistic dream is far from reality. - Carol Kent (Becoming A Woman of Influence) Therefore, as a summary of what we have learned so far: Mentors are those who have gone before us on the mountain of life, but who pause and extend a hand to help us along the way, or who extend a safety line of love and affirmation that may keep us from falling off the mountain. Exercise: My Mentoring Network (See Appendix II) IV. Mentoring: Getting Started In her book entitled Jesus CEO which deals with the leadership principles we can learn for the way Jesus led, Laurie Beth Jones wrote: One person trained twelve human beings who went on to so influence the world that time itself is now recorded as being before (b.c) or after (a.d.) His existence. This person worked with a staff that was totally human and not divine. . . a staff that in spite of illiteracy, questionable backgrounds, fractious feelings, and momentary cowardice went on to accomplish the tasks He trained them to do. They did this for one main reason B to be with Him again. His leadership style was intended to be put to use by any of us. What would happen if every Christian woman would decide to make a life-changing impact on the lives of at least twelve women within her lifetime? What would happen if we took Christs example seriously? Even if the results were only a small percentage of what Jesus accomplished, the results would be remarkable. Jesus influenced individuals from a wide variety of educational and vocational backgrounds. Some were from dysfunctional families. A few were professionals, many were common laborers. Some were fearless, and others lacked courage. However, He saw in each the potential to become great leaders, and He inspired them to commit time and energy to learn from Him. As we think about this, let us ask ourselves a few questions: Am I currently available for a season of mentoring to a variety of women from different backgrounds? Am I asking God to help me see the potential of the women He wants me to mentor? Am I living a life that inspires them to fulfill their purpose? Jesus life gives us an example of how to live. His principles for influencing lives are timeless and, more than that, they are available for us to use today. Am I eager to discover what they are? Am I willing to be accountable for what I learn? Have I avoided the responsibility of mentoring others because I feel inadequate? Will I say to God today, AI will follow You with a pure heart. Show me the people You want me to impact with biblical principles, a listening ear, and encouragement for the journey of life? Jesus had only three years of public ministry, but the impact He had on those He mentored still influences you and me today. (Source: Carol Kent. Becoming A Woman of Influence. p.13-15) Mentor roles (OH-11) Anyone can mentor, but not everyone should. Let us look at the roles that a mentor will need to play and see if we are willing to play that role: (Read overhead) Teacher Guide Counselor Motivator Sponsor Coach Advisor Referral Agent Role Model Door-Opener Credible Witness Mentor characteristics (OH-12) As mentors we need to be ....(Read overhead) Supportive Patient Respected People oriented Good motivator Secure in his/her position Achiever Give high visibility Takes pride in agency Shows regard for anothers well-being For the person who desires to be a mentor.... (OH-13) Find someone you can mentor (a woman who is young in age or leadership or experience. Recognize the Need. With the fragmented families and transience in our society, young moms often live across the country from biological relatives who could provide answers to basic questions about life and faith. There are many more women who long to be mentored than there are women available, willing, and enthusiastic about meeting that need. As Christian women, we should prepare to fill this need. Look for someone with (leadership) potential your successor another conference leader local church leader a new church member a new mother Study a bit about mentoring if you can. Don=t jump into it cold. Read books on mentoring. Talk to persons who have mentored others and find out more about the process, its demands, and its rewards. Visit local and national organizations that run mentoring programs. As you study more about how to mentor others you will be able to evaluate your own mentoring capabilities; to recognize your good points and your lesser points; to accentuate your strengths and minimize your liabilities. Remember you are teaching from experience as well as knowledge. You will learn what tools to use and what not to use. Set up a contract: Set a time for mentoring. Time management is a must in order to still be able to carry out your other responsibilities at home, work or church. Set mutually agreed upon goals...you feel that you have the experience and knowledge to help in this area. Be sure that this is something that the mentoree wants to do and not your agenda SOLELY. Build your relationship on biblical wisdom Support for spiritual growth is essential for most people. Women who receive support in their spiritual growth learn to develop their own working belief systems. They have a strong sense of self-worth and belief in themselves. They are better equipped to face and make decisions and to develop their own appreciation of what=s right and wrong. Give time to a person in whose potential you believe Investing your time in another woman is not always easy. It means sacrificing your own time. There are a few women who dont want to be bothered and feel that they have no available time. However, there are those that say, God has taught me so much and my greatest joy would be to help someone avoid some of the mistakes I made and give her encouragement when life gets hard. Ask what does this person need in order to grow? Perhaps the most profound question a mentor can ask a mentoree is the question Jesus asked the blind man: What do you want me to do for you? Jesus knew the power of a well-placed question. He didnt ask questions to make Himself look intelligent or to belittle the questioner. His questions were direct, simple, and intriguing; often the type that couldnt be answered with an easy yes or no. One day Jesus came to the outskirts of Jericho. A blind man sat next to the road asking for handouts. He heard the crowd rustling and asked what was happening. When he was told that Jesus was going by, he yelled, Jesus, Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me! People who were in front of Jesus told the man to be quiet, but he was relentless with his request. Jesus immediately stopped and asked the man be brought to Him. At that point Jesus asked, What do you want me to do for you? He told Jesus he wanted to see again and Jesus said, Go ahead see again! Your faith has saved and healed you. The healing was instant, and the man immediately followed Jesus. By asking that question, Jesus gave the man an opportunity to voice his request and to feel that someone deeply cared about his answer. Jesus also provided an opportunity for the man to verbalize his beliefs. When we ask questions, we do the same. It keeps us from arriving at premature conclusions about what the person needs or wants. When we ask a woman this question, we allow her to communicate her honest thoughts. When we ask a woman what she wants from us, the answer can take her one step forward to maturity for she has verbally admitted her need and her desire for change. (Source: Carol Kent. Becoming A Woman of Influence. p. 20-21) Mentoring Questions (OH-14) What are your priorities? Ask the mentoree what are their goals and needs in life at that moment. What is it that they want to get accomplished? What do they want to learn? Priorities can be goals or problems. They can be personal or professional. How can I help? Then offer your assistance. What can you do to help them accomplish their intentions? Be available. Be willing to help. Others can always tell whether this offer is genuine or not. As a mentor, you may need to help your protge decide on a course of action or simply provide resources to carry it out. Carol Kent, author of Becoming a Woman of Influence tells this story. When Gene and I were youth directors in our church, one sixteen-year-old named Char seemed bent on a path of destruction. She verbally put herself down. She got into alcohol and drug abuse, and she hung out with other teens who were making negative choices. With her mouth she told us that she wanted to live for God and make decisions that reflected a Christian lifestyle, but her behavior reflected another story. I invited Char to our home while Gene was away, and during a relaxing, non-threatening visit, I asked her some of the following questions. Are the choices you are making right now making you happy? That was a given; she definitely wasnt happy. SEQ AutoList6_0 \* alphabetic \na) What benefits are you receiving from your current lifestyle? I urged her to be open about this and her answers were truthful, friends, acceptance, instant gratification, and so on. What do you want your life to be like five years from now? To a teenager, that=s an eternity, but it did make her think about where her current choices might lead. Char, which do you love more: Jesus, or what you are doing to destroy your body and mind? It=s your choice. I had wept with her and prayed with her. Our relationship was close enough for me to be this confrontational. She cried with me as she answered that question. What can I do to help you? Youve said you love Jesus more than your addiction to drugs and alcohol. Are you willing to follow through with getting professional help for these addictions? Could I be an accountability partner in your life? My questions B combined with listening, love, and Gods intervention - helped Char to see what dangerous ground she had been walking on. The next few months proved to be a difficult struggle for Char, but she made better choices and began to change her behavior. What do you want me to do for you? This question is so powerful, it deserves mentioning again. When we are approached by a woman who wants to spend time with us, we need to ask her this same question. Does she want advice, a listening ear, to be discipled, a friend? Her answer can direct you in how you spend your time together, plus it can give you important information about how insightful and self-aware she might be. Pointers for asking good questions: Know your audience - try to get to know her without any kind of judgmental attitudes. Ask her to tell you about herself. Ask questions that can=t be answered with a yes or no. Ask questions at teachable moments. Ask how can I pray for you? Expose your potential leader to other peoples success Introduce your mentoree to others who have succeeded in reaching their goals or ambition in life. They may learn a valuable tip from that person that will help them, in turn, reach their own goals. Evaluate your mentoring style from time to time We need to evaluate our mentoring style to see if we are being effective or not. As each individual has different needs and talents, we need to be sure that we are helping them in the specific areas that they need help in. Cultivating a relationship (OH-15) One of the most important things to remember in cultivating the mentoring relationship is: (Read overhead) respect; trust; partnership building activities; self-esteem building; time management It is crucial to have respect and trust between a mentor and mentoree. Without those two essential elements, it would be very difficult to build a relationship where one can count and depend on the other. Be partners. Bonds are formed when both are working together towards a common goal. Mentors need to stay positive and encourage the mentoree even when things are going wrong. Accept the mentoree for who he or she is. Dont compare him or her to others. Build his or her self esteem with genuine, truthful compliments at the appropriate time. In addition to guiding and nurturing, mentors may offer help with issues such as time management, problem-solving skills or career planning. The mentoring relationship is formed when the mentor turns to the mentoree and says, AI love you, I believe in you, I want to help you succeed. I want to make my experience and resources available to help you in any way I can to become all that God wants you to be.@ Five common misconceptions. . . (OH-16) Bobb Biehl, in his book Mentoring shares with us five common misconceptions of mentoring that holds back many potential mentors from becoming a mentor. Misconception 1: Mentors are at least eighty-three years old. . . Many people assume that in order to be old enough, wise enough, and mature enough to be a mentor, you have to be at least 83 years old and that the only appropriate mentorees are the 16 year olds. This is not the case. A mature 16 year old can easily understand the concept of mentoring and take on one or two younger students as mentorees. On the other hand, 83 is not too old to be a mentor. In fact, age 110 is fine if you have a sound mind and a caring heart. Mentoring can also be based on experience and knowledge, not necessarily just age. Women of all ages are looking for women who are ahead of them in life experiences. The young businesswoman needs input from the career woman on how to be a Christian in the marketplace. The new mother can learn from another who has been a mother longer. Give example: Getting married and not knowing how to cook...a new wife learning to be patient with her new husband and not giving up just because he wont pick up his socks and it drives her up the wall. Thats not enough evidence to give up on a marriage. Starting a family. . . having a newborn. . . A woman who has been in the church longer can mentor a new convert and help her understand the Bible and its doctrines. A college age woman giving encouragement and advice to an adolescent who is going through her first menstrual period and her first dating experiences or someone struggling through moral choices faced as a teenager. Think back. . . was there a special woman in your life, someone whom you looked up to, someone who helped you between the ages of roughly 9-18, or older, someone who was not a member of your immediate family? Was there someone you could turn to, someone whose ability to listen, or to offer appropriate constructive criticism, seemed to make all the difference? Misconception 2: Mentors must be perfect. . . This misconception causes qualified people to hesitate about becoming mentors. The fact is, mentorees never actually expect a mentor to be perfect. All you have to do is care and, as much as possible, be there when your mentoree needs help. Misconception 3: Mentors have all the answers. . . Mentors are human. They do not have all the answers. Their role is sometimes to be the answer, sometimes to have the answer, but most of the time to know where to find the answer. Fundamentally, a mentor connects a mentoree to resources: her own personal network, appropriate seminars, libraries, helpful videos, audio tapes and books, and even support groups. Misconception 4: The Mentoring process involves a curriculum. . . No such curriculum exists. The mentoring process is unique to each mentoree. Learning is based on the mentorees agenda, priorities, questions, needs - not on the mentors preset program. Misconception 5: A mentors focus is holding a mentoree accountable. . . Accountability should not be the focus of the mentoring relationship. The focus should be supporting, strengthening, and encouraging. Their accountability needs to be developed in terms of responsibility to God, their actions and choices, government, and other legitimate authorities, not to you. Mentor obstacles (OH-17) What type of obstacles do mentors face that prevent them from being effective? Finding appropriate role/behavior.....know what is expected of you. When you don=t know, and don=t deliver what is needed, the mentoree will feel let-down or neglected. Insufficient time .....Dont get so excited that you over commit yourself and find it difficult to follow through with your promises. To you, it is simply a busy, jam-packed schedule. To your mentoree, it is a broken promise. Mentor expects too much too soon.....give the mentoree time to act or to accomplish tasks. Don=t rush them. Realize that each person works on a different schedule. Supervisor feels excluded....sometimes supervisors or parents feel left out when a mentor steps in to guide a mentoree. Discuss with your mentoree how much of the relationship is to be kept confidential. Sometimes just a brief explanation towards supervisors or parents will enlist their support instead of their rejection. In any case, honor your mentorees need for privacy. Hidden agendas....remember whos priorities are at stake. Do not mentor if your only intention is to make yourself look good. Mentorees inappropriate attitude... if the mentoree is not willing to commit to the relationship and listen to the advice shared, or to do their part, then there is no point of continuing the mentor/mentoree relationship anymore. 3 less helpful behaviors of mentors: criticizing or judging giving advice rescuing people from their own folly Exercise: From Legend to Challenge (See Appendix III) V. (HEADING??????) Benefits of being a mentor (OH-18) Fulfilling scriptural mandate (Titus 2:3) Pass on a legacy youre teaching a skill Gain personal satisfaction from helping somebody succeed Develop leadership skills of women who might have not made it if they didnt have a mentor Recognition from peers Develop rewarding professional contacts Learn from your mentoree through feedback Building positive relationships with others is an investment. If you mentor a young person you may be the anchor that helps them stay on course and become responsible, productive adults. Whether you mentor peers or young people, mentoring is always a two-way street. You can make a difference in someones life and adversely they can make a difference in yours. For the person desiring a mentor... (OH-19) Yet there are some of us who are not ready to mentor, but instead we feel the need to be mentored. How do we go about looking for someone to mentor us? Here are some hints that can help us. Find someone you admire; whose leadership style you admire or would like to see in yourself Find someone who is sympathetic to the needs of women or to YOUR particular needs Ask for mentoring (if refused, dont take it personally...they may be too busy to take on the responsibility. It is not you,.try again.ask someone else) Set up a meeting time Develop some goals for your mentoring, keeping in mind: what do you hope to gain from this relationship? are you willing to commit to doing all that the relationship requires? Remember, to gain from mentoring, a person has to reach out, grasp and draw into himself or herself the lessons that mentors offer. The mentoree can only experience the beneficial gifts of mentoring by assuming ownership of what the mentor has offered. Prepare questions for your mentor If you need mentoring in church leadership, find someone who understands church structure and politics (don=t be afraid to ask a man...our church is full of male leaders). A word of caution: Like other helping relationships, mentoring relationships can get deep enough, fast enough, and committed enough, that the attention we give or receive can easily be misinterpreted into sexual dimensions. Even if you and your mentor are innocent and abide by moral guidelines, our world is corrupt enough to speculate and create a situation that can ruin relationships, marriages, and families. As a result, mentoring between the opposite sex is often not encouraged as it can become a potentially dangerous situation. And yet, in reality, the imbalance between women who want professional mentors and the number of female professionals available to mentor is substantial. If you feel the need of a man to mentor you in church leadership, you should both contract to keep the mentoring to that topic only. Protge characteristics (OH-20) Eager to learn. After all, it is your agenda that we are fulfilling. Do not waste the time and energy of the mentor. You may have a hard time finding one if you do not seem interested. Team player. You are part of a relationship between two persons. Do your part. Patient - do not expect results immediately. You are, after all, only human. Learning takes time especially if it involves change. You need time to absorb the new vision, time to adjust behaviors and to ponder the meaning of the change, to internalize, and own the change. Risk taker. You will never see new horizons if you dont lose sight of shore first. Positive attitude. It will take you miles. People will be happier to help and teach you. Open. Do not hold back information that can help you succeed. Learn to trust your mentor and let them trust you. Benefits of having a mentor (OH-21) Having a mentor promotes genuine growth and change in your life. Having a mentor provides a model for you to follow. Having a mentor will help you to reach your goals more effectively (either through her experience in the matter or through the contacts she can hook you up to). Having a mentors influence can benefit others in your life. As you improve, your quality of life improves, thus in turn influencing those around you. Self mentoring strategies (OH-22) Ask questions and listen carefully Read Attend seminars Observe experts Enroll in a class or training session Take initiatives Who asks whom? (OH-23) Mentors shouldnt expect (and certainly parents shouldnt expect) teen/young women to walk up to them during a calm moment and say something like this: You know, Ive been doing a lot of thinking about where Im going in my life, and Ive decided I really need to get a better handle on my physical sense of well-being. I need to figure out how my sexuality fits into my identity, how to handle these new feelings Im having, and I also need to take full responsibility for maintaining my body, keeping fit and staying in shape. How do you suppose I ought to go about doing that? Do you have any suggestions? Oh, and something else, I really need to get a handle on emotions and the way they affect the important relationships in my life. I feel like I need some guidance and support in that area, as well. Maybe youve got some suggestions on the best ways for me to make sense of my emotional state on a day-to-day basis, and maybe you could help me focus in on how emotional reactions may be undermining my attempts to formulate meaningful life goals. I also have a nagging feeling Im not making the smartest money decisions in the world. Maybe you could offer me a little counseling sometime. . . Girls and young women dont speak out directly about these needs. Older women dont do any better either, but that doesnt mean theyre not interested in the answers to the dilemmas they face in these areas. They may be shy, ashamed, or just insecure about themselves to put it all out on the line. They need to be approached in the right way. They have to be approached by someone who is unconditionally supportive, not of specific actions, but of the persons underlying identity. That person can be or is a mentor. Ideally the mentor seeks, chooses, and approaches to the mentoree because the mentor is committing to a specified period of attention, interest, and encouragement. Thats a major commitment. Realistically, a mentoree may need to approach a mentor. Only she knows what she needs to fulfill her goals. Can I have more than one mentor? (OH-24) Yes. Mentors differ in their knowledge, experiences and connections. Organizational benefits of mentoring? (OH-25) Retention of qualified personnel -- you know their skills...you taught them and they feel a close relationship to you More well-rounded and motivated personnel Effective means of integrating personnel...helps everybody mix and get to know each other...builds trust and respect. Enhanced department image -- you care enough to teach and look out for your people Personnel with greater leadership potential...theyve learned from their leaders. OTHER INFO on Mentoring Examples of mentoring in the Bible: Mary and Elizabeth (Luke 1:26-58, primarily 39-45, 56) Priscilla, Aquilla and Apollos (Acts 18:24-26) Barnabas to Paul Paul to Titus and Timothy Noami to Ruth Jesus to Mary and Martha Set up a church mentoring program Women need a power from within. Not a power over others, but a power within that allows them to work with others. Why is mentoring needed now? In the church and home, many women feel the need of mentors because they: have no extended families have no training in the practical arts have no one modeling for them how to grow spiritually feel unsure and overwhelmed by society=s expectations: - should I stay home with my baby? - how do I love my husband? - alone and scared - single mothers Women sharing with each other Because women understand women, have gone through similar experiences, and feel the same emotions, they can provide sympathetic listening and godly counsel and can often defuse tense situations before they escalate into major crisis. Make a commitment to the relationship; contact each other regularly and meet at least once a month; pray for each other; and do things together. A program like Heart to Heart can help. This program pairs off women with other women who need help in areas that one can share expertise in. What would the Christian Mentor do? (OH-26) Accept newer member into the church family Judy Hampton felt conspicuous on her first evening of attending choir practice at a new church. She made her way to a vacant seat in the second row when she was immediately summoned by a woman with a huge smile who said, Please, come sit by me. As Judy slipped into the seat, Tutty introduced herself and said, Tell me how you came to this church, and tell me all about you and your family. A few days after choir practice, Tutty invited Judy to her home. Upon arriving, Judy discovered she was the honored guest. Tutty had invited several of her friends, including her sister, Mary Ann, to this event for the purpose of introducing them to Judy. From that day on, Tutty and Mary Ann began teaching Judy from their lives. I didnt grow up in a Christian home, and the Christian life was new to me. I needed mature women to teach, model, and disciple me, but never in my wildest dreams did I know it could be so much fun! Both Mary Ann and Tutty modeled the virtues of being a Christian woman. They invited me into their lives. They taught me about hospitality. I saw firsthand how they embraced their roles as wives and mothers. They gave of their time and resources. They imparted the truths from the Bible by living them in front of me (not by preaching), and put up with my endless stream of questions and desperate phone calls seeking answers. Their contagious love for Christ inspired me to seek Him every day. Be compassionate and encouraging to new believers, anytime, anywhere Throughout the Gospels, the concepts of compassion and touch frequently appear together in passages that show Jesus ministering to people. Jesus, by example, taught that having a compassionate heart often includes a healing touch. One of the most powerful illustrations of how healing a touch can be is found in Matthew 8. Jesus came down the mountain with the cheers of the crowd still ringing in his ears. Then a leper appeared and went to his knees before Jesus, praying, Master, if you want to, you can heal my body. Jesus reached out and touched him saying, I want to. Be clean. Then and there, all signs of the leprosy were gone. Jesus said, Dont talk about this all over town. Just quietly present your healed body to the priest, along with the appropriate expressions of thanks to God. Your cleansed and grateful life, not your words, will bear witness to what I have done. (verses 1-4) Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be a leper? What it would be like to say goodbye to your spouse, children, and friends and to be banished from their world forever? To be shunned ridiculed and excluded? To experience loneliness and isolation? To be an outcast? In his book Just Like Jesus, Max Lucado powerfully portrays what the leper in Matthew 8 might have thought and felt the day Jesus touched him and healed him. The following is written from the lepers viewpoint. For five years no one touched me. No one. Not one person. Not my wife. Not my child. Not my friends. No one touched me. They saw me. They spoke to me. I sensed love in their voices. I saw concern in their eyes. But I didnt feel their touch. There was no touch. . . . What is common to you, I coveted. Handshakes. Warm embraces. A tap on the shoulder to get my attention. A kiss on the lips to steal a heart. Such moments were taken from my world. No one touched me. No one bumped into me. What I would have given to be bumped into, to be caught in a crowd, for my shoulder to brush against another. But for five years it has not happened. How could it? I was not allowed in the streets. Even the rabbis (from my church) kept their distance from me. I was not permitted in my synagogue. Not even welcome in my own house. I was untouchable. I was a leper. And no one touched me. Until today. You and I may not have the same ability to heal people as Jesus did, but we can offer a healing touch whether it be through a warm hug, a simple squeeze of an arm, a gentle touch on a shoulder, or a lingering handshake. Corrie Ten Boom once asked, What have you done today that only a Christian would have done? If only you and I would learn to consistently ask ourselves this question, and would pray that God would make us more like Him, we would become women who influence others with our gift of compassion. How do we become women of compassion? We could try to. . see a womans need feel her pain get involved (instead of walking by or passing the buck) weep with her (show empathy) extend support and help hands on wait with the woman (in spirit or person or prayers) until her situation is resolved What are some examples of compassion? Carol Kent tells this story as she closes her chapter on compassion in her book Becoming a Woman of Influence: On a cold December day in New York City, a ten year old boy stood in front of a shoe store on Broadway. He was barefoot, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A woman approached the boy and said, My, little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window? I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes, the boy replied. The woman took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. The clerk quickly brought her the requested items. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store. Removing her gloves, she knelt down, washed his little feet and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing one pair of the socks on the boys feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes, and tying up the remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, No doubt, young man, you feel more comfortable now? As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face with tears in his eyes, answered the questions with these words, Lady, are you Gods wife? This woman practiced what Jesus talked about in Matthew 25:38. I was shivering and you gave me clothes. When we show compassion to the people around us, we are Jesus to them. Jesus said, Im telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me, you failed to do it to me (verse 40). c. Provide friendship and spiritual bonding Jesus taught, Keep open your house; be generous with your lives. In an interview with Christianity Today magazine, Esther Burroughs, Southern Baptist author and speaker said, We no longer have the luxury of being raised by an extended family. . . The Lord is looking for women to get out of the church and into the world for ministry. . .I hope to encourage women to become all that God wants them to be. . .Generation X is looking for an authentic, live, show-me, love-me, walk-with-me, and guide-me person. . . When we allow another woman to spend time with us daily, we give her a chance to see how a Christian should live her life. By being generous with our lives, our homes, and our background knowledge of God and His Word, we provide the soil in which young Christian women can become mature Christ-followers who will also have an impact on others. d. Teach by example Jesus took his disciples with him when he traveled or preached. They were able to see that He both walked and talked His message. If we want to impact others for Christ, we need to invite women to accompany us when we teach a Bible study or go to a retreat. Married or single, we can invite women to our homes so they can observe how we juggle our ministry lives and our personal lives. Carol Kent once invited a younger speaker to join her at a recent out-of-town ministry trip. When her note of thanks came in the mail, the content wasnt directed towards Carols gifts of evangelism, exhortation, or teaching. They young lady wrote, AI loved eavesdropping as you talked to your husband on the phone (at the hotel). You were so obviously interested in him and his day. Your mutual respect and love for each other impressed me and convicted me to be a more active listener and encourager of my husband.@ e. Listen to questions f. Offer Bible-based solutions g. Provide positive help in times of need h. Share from personal testimony I. Point new believers to Christ j. Prepare new believers for active service for the Lord k. Explain the SDA church structure l. Encourage leadership roles Jesus saw peoples potential. He went out and recruited them. He took unlikely candidates B fisherman, tax collectors, the woman with seven demons to the one who preached His resurrection and turned them into dedicated disciple. When we pray about who God wants us to mentor intentionally, we need to ask that we are able to look past the woman=s current ministry position, and past her education (or lack of it) and see her potential. Jesus then gave the disciples a vision of what they could do. He prepared them for what to expect then gave them a challenging, visionary task. Dr. Frank Laubach popularized the phrase each one teach one He believed that if one person taught another person to read, and that person in turn taught another person to read, and so forth, several million people eventually will enjoy the thrill and freedom of reading. What if we were to put that same strategy towards mentoring. Pause for sixty seconds and try to imagine the implications of this: You mentor 12, who mentor 12, equals 144 Who mentor 12, equals 1,728 Who mentor 12, equals 20,736 Who mentor 12, equals 248,832 Who mentor 12, equals 2,985,984  Does this sound unrealistic? Even if we accomplished a small percentage of this, it would still be a lot. m. Unconditional love Jesus showed unconditional love to the Samaritan woman. No matter what her sins or her past, He still wanted her in His kingdom if she would accept him. What was her immediate response? She wanted to tell everyone about the Messiah she had just met. What does conditional love look like? (get examples from seminar participants) Example: pastors son is to marry a new convert shes from a notoriously wild background. Church has a board meeting and discusses appropriateness of the pastors son marrying this woman. They think he shouldnt marry that kind of woman. Pastors son gets up and says, you are not questioning my fiancs character; you are questioning Gods ability to forgive. What does unconditional love look like? (get examples from seminar participants) (Read together: 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7) Give instructions to the wise and they will become wiser. . . (OH-27) Grow a leader and grow the organization. . . (OH-28) The church needs to have a process that grows new leaders if it is to maximize its human resources and achieve its divinely appointed goal. An organization where leaders openly share what they have learned with potential leaders creates an atmosphere for growth. The height man. . .women. . .may reach by proper culture. . . (OH-29) Christian leaders with a vision will desire to encourage another persons leadership potential. John the Baptist said He must increase, I must decrease. Questions to think about or ask: Evangelism vs. Discipleship vs. Mentoring Frequently asked questions: Who Asks Whom? How Much time does a mentoring relationship require? What do we talk about when we meet? Can I have more than one mentor? Where is the best place to meet? If I=m mentoring pre-teens, should I tell them I=m their mentor? How can a mentor and protge avoid becoming competitive? When do I get to teach my values to my mentorees? Should I ever tell my mentorees what they should do? How do I deal with my fear of being rejected in a mentoring relationship? How do I get out of a mentoring relationship? Should a mentor ever lend money to a protge? Is it possible for a husband to mentor his wife or vice versa? What should I do if my protge or my mentor fails? What should I do if the mentoring relationship becomes destructive? Is mentoring at a distance possible? How confident do most people feel about becoming mentors? What should I do if my mentor or mentoree doesnt follow through with our original agreement? What if the protge outgrows the mentor? Can I be a mentor if I have never had one? Should I automatically consider my staff members as mentorees? APPENDIX 1 Information Please When I was quite young, my family had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember well the polished oak case fastened to the wall on the lower stair landing. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I even remember the number105. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it. Once she lifted me up to speak to my father, who was away on business. Magic! Then I discovered that somewhere inside that wonderful device lived an amazing person-her name was Information Please and there was nothing she did not know. My mother could ask her for anybody's number; when our clock ran down, Information Please immediately supplied the correct time. My first personal experience with this genieinthe receiver came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be much use crying because there was no one home to offer sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver and held it to my ear. Information Please, I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two, and a small, clear voice spoke into my ear. Information. AI hurt my fingerrrB@ I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough, now that I had an audience. Isn't your mother home? came the question. Nobody's home but me, I blubbered. Are you bleeding? No, I replied. I hit it with the hammer and it hurts. Can you open your icebox? she asked. I said I could. Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it on your finger. That will stop the hurt. Be careful when you use the ice pick, she admonished. And don't cry. You'll be all right. After that, I called Information Please for everything. I asked for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was, and the Orinoco-the romantic river I was going to explore when I grew up. She helped me with my arithmetic, and she told me that a pet chipmunk-I had caught him in the park just the day before-would eat fruit and nuts. And there was the time that Petey, our pet canary, died. I called Information Please and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual things grownups say to soothe a child. But I was unconsoled: Why was it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to whole families, only to end as a heap of feathers feet up, on the bottom of a cage? She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in. Somehow I felt better. Another day I was at the telephone. Information, said the now familiar voice. How do you spell fix? I asked. Fix something? FIX. At that instant my sister, who took unholy joy in scaring me, jumped off the stairs at me with a banshee shriekBAYaaaaaaaaaa!@ I fell off the stool, pulling the receiver out of the box by its roots. We were both terrified-Information Please was no longer there, and I was not at all sure that I hadn't hurt her when I pulled the receiver out. Minutes later there was a man on the porch. I'm a telephone repairman. I was working down the street and the operator said there might be some trouble at this number. He reached for the receiver in my hand. What happened? I told him. . .Well, we can fix that in a minute or two. He opened the telephone box, exposing a maze of wires and coils, and fiddled for a while with the end of the receiver cord, tightening things with a small screwdriver. He jiggled the hook up and down a few times, then spoke into the phone. Hi, this is Pete. Everything's under control at 105. The kid's sister scared him and he pulled the cord out of the box. He hung up, smiled, gave me a pat on the head and walked out the door. All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. Then, when I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston-and I missed my mentor acutely. Information Please belonged in that old wooden box back home, and I somehow never thought of trying the tall, skinny new phone that sat on a small table in the hall. Yet, as I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me; often in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had when I knew that I could call Information Please and get the right answer. I appreciated now how very patient, understanding and kind she was to have wasted her time on a little boy. A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half an hour between plane connections, and I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister who lived there now, happily mellowed by marriage and motherhood. Then, really without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, Information Please. Miraculously, I heard again the small, clear voice I knew so well: Information. I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, Could you tell me, please, how to spell the word fix? There was a long pause. Then came the softly spoken answer. I guess, said Information Please, that your finger must have healed by now. I laughed. So it's really still you. I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during all that time. . . I wonder, she replied, if you know how much you meant to me? I never had any children, and I used to look forward to your calls. Silly, wasn't it? It didn't seem silly, but I didn't say so. Instead I told her how often I had thought of her over the years, and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister after the first semester was over. Please do. Just ask for Sally. Goodbye, Sally. It sounded strange for Information Please to have a name. If I run into any chipmunks, I'll tell them to eat fruit and nuts. Do that, she said. And I expect one of these days you'll be off for the Orinoco. Well, goodbye. Just three months later I was back again at the Seattle airport. A different voice answered, Information, and I asked for Sally. Are you a friend? Yes, I said. an old friend. Then I'm sorry to have to tell you. Sally had only been working parttime in the last few years because she was ill. She died five weeks ago. But before I could hang up, she said, Wait a minute. Did you say your name was Villiard? Yes. Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down. What was it? I asked, almost knowing in advance what it would be. Here it is, I'll read ittell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean. I thanked her and hung up. I did know what Sally meant. by Paul Villiard APPENDIX 2 My Mentoring Network   APPENDIX 3 From Legend to Challenge Mentors are people who have a special or memorable helpful effect on us and our lives. In each of the areas listed below, write the name of one person who had such an influence on you. If you cannot think of a person for a given area, go on and come back to that item later if someone occurs to you. Mentors make important contributions to our: Knowledge of how things work ________________________________________ Values________________________________________________________________ Technical competence________________________________________________ Growth in character___________________________________________________ Knowledge of how to behave in a social situation _______________________________________________________________________ Understanding of the world around us _______________________________________________________________________ Understanding of how to get things done in or through our organization _______________________________________________________________________ Moral development ___________________________________________________ Mental and physical health and fitness _______________________________________________________________________ Understanding of other people and their viewpoint _______________________________________________________________________ Just about anything else you can think of _______________________________________________________________________ Source: Shea, Gordon F. Mentoring: A Practical Guide. Crisp Publication Inc., Menlo Park, CA, 1992. APPENDIX 4 CASE STUDY  Elina Chang recently graduated from high school. She joined your church less than a year ago. She is friendly and well liked by the church members. She has enthusiasm and lots of bright ideas. She came on-board your Young Adults in Ministry committee because you felt that she had the potential to be a good Christian leader. You are Mary Gimball, her Sabbath School teacher and chairman of the Young Adults in Ministry committee. You have been attending this church for the past ten years. Your church pastor has had an interest in using the talents of the young people and had pressed upon you to help train and involve them in church activities. You have spent considerable time teaching and encouraging Elina as much as you could, but you have a hard time understanding her speech. And she sometimes seems to have trouble understanding yours. Elinas family migrated here from Southeast Asia several years ago. Relatives sponsored her family in the United States, and Elina was able to complete most of her high school here with good marks. By working very hard at it, Elina can present her ideas adequately in writing but her verbal presentations are disastrous. Her presentation of the results of the class=s project, in joint venture with the group Habitat for Humanity, was a bomb. Her picture slides were mixed up and she mumbled as she read her notes. She failed to look at the audience, and she presented her verbal information in a sketchy, abbreviated fashion. Some of the church members read other materials, and a few in the back talked among themselves. Nobody seemed interested and there were no feedback from the audience. You were embarrassed both for Elina and for your church members lack of interest. Later the pastor asked you to mentor Elina as well as keep her involved in your Sabbath School class and committee. Since you had already been helping her as much as you could, you thought you had been mentoring. When you pointed this out, the pastor said, No, this goes beyond doing your job as a Sabbath School teacher or committee chairman. Try to be a friend to her, help her to succeed. Do what you can to turn her into a winner. Womens Ministries Leadership Certification Program Level 3 Mentoring Page  PAGE 6 2004 Womens Ministries Leadership Certification Program Womens Ministries Leadership Certification Program Inner Circle (Those closest to you) ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ Source: Mentoring Women by Stephanie Wolfe Legacy (Those you pour yourself into) ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ Peers (Fellow travelers with you) ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ Mentors (People who coach you) ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ Models (People who live the way youd like to live) ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ ____________________ Heroes (People you look up to and admire) 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